My Heart as a Stock Market (A Sort of Poetry) V2

      a quiet amidst the tumult, a quiet deep as moss and    as soft as a home’s hearth.

a seasonal, weather induced feeling that there is no pleasure for me. The light is gone.

accepting another human being completely, they accepting me. When the tears came, there were no questions

afraid that the song I might sing will be heard only by myself

after deep exchanges with others the overwhelming feeling of needing time to just think about what happened fills me.

always feeling a pang of loneliness, however lonelier because i feel this way with someone else.

ambiguity sets in, uncertainty of what i feel, but comfortable with the feeling.

aware that I no longer have some of the opportunities of youth.

aware that there are patches of clutter that live within me. Patient, yet I want to have a simpler life. 

Balancing knowing my singularity of perspective, and limitation of vision, with confidence and knowing that I can help make this a better world

being asked by another to tell my story- everything set in perspective.

being present with another person who is present. unafraid, challenged, accepted.

conscious of what i need to do, and what to do if i choose to sabotage myself. 

conscious that i am the dreamer, not the dream- and that i dreamed myself here.

consumed by the possibilities of the past, the future takes on a crooked shape.

contentment, someone else is there with me.

Dreaming of sleep and even a vacation. Wanting to find worlds inside and to see others. To fall in love with them.

encountering genuine presence. inspiration in others’ stories, in their work.

eternal existence.

faith that there is a sense of strength and purpose in creation.

Falling in love with the sound of a voice, the texture of enthusiasm, the intelligence, their love of this planet

feeling anonymous, and a bit secure knowing that i exist in the world, and that i am connected to all. i do not have to be better than i am.

feeling just okay- but having something good to look forward to.

feeling my nerve endings fire rapidly... my quiet disturbed; the interference comes from within. panic.

feeling overwhelmed, willing to sacrifice what i have worked for, just to feel freed from responsibility for a moment.

feeling scared that i might not be able to accomplish what i want to accomplish-if so- will I have left enough of the blueprint? Is it legible?

feeling the rage of billions, wanting to come home.

filled with ennui and indecision today.

finding a place where i can be, and be recognized.

frustrated by my weakness, i couldn’t find that source of purity.

fueling this existence with all the experiences, not turning away from that which is distasteful. trying to understand the pattern of suffering as well as joy.

grasping at what it is that i feel, trying to determine who i am, not letting go, trying to find a way to describe myself here.

having anxiety about having to confront people, memories, or events that were part of my past. unsure of what actually happened after all this time.

how many worlds there must be! looking upwards after looking down for too long.

i am appreciating it all, watching it unfold. not too much ‘I’- just watching

i am moved by anger . i envision a better place. There is work to be done

i am torn because i don’t know if what i want will hurt you.

i avoided being a consumer today. that alone imbued me with more self confidence.

i just am and i don’t know where i am at right now.

i just want to be heard, i just want a voice in this world

I struggled to find the right face to present to those unhappy faces. My exuberance is off-putting to those aching.

i want a life, no borders anywhere

I wonder who I learned from the most today. How can I become different? Is it a thought? An action to mimic, absorb or dream?

i would live this way regardless.

I, I, I.... i want a community, i want to be a part of something safe-not these wretched borders.

it matters, it matters. no judgment. WE breathe. The dead (all). we are.

it’s a question whether or not I can love myself everyday. For some that may not mean what it means for me. Trying to find the sweet love.

It’s just too big. Where can I hide?

Joyously filled with wonder and imagining possibilities

Just nature as my lover. Breath, stillness, tumult, the song of skies, and soil and sun.

Just resonating with the laughter, the joy, the play, the immersion in the shared transmission of love

lasting strength. how could it ever be another way?

letting the passion burn deeply, it demolished my world.

letting the passion burn deeply. it was accomplished.

letting touches fill me. As if I were brand new again

lonely, wanting to drown for an hour and then breath again for the first time.

lured by the sensuality’s- all of them. 

motivated by the inheritance rather than the substance.

motivated by truth rather than icon.

no control, just awareness and perception.

no regrets everything for a reason.

not putting any relevance to whether or not there is a god or a purpose behind creation, just feeling my human weight and strength.

not turning away, having the strength to give, not only because it could have been me if things were different, but because they are a part of me.

overwhelmed by the group. the love so present.

overwhelmed with self doubt, feeling that no matter how strong i may be today, that tomorrow i might unravel like an unfinished house.

realizing i acted in a way that was a contradiction to what i feel inside so deeply.

selected sounds of myself haunt me. i have not been true.

self doubt, too afraid to lose control.

sitting in buildings, pushing papers, acquiring wealth, why? what are we doing?

stilled by touch- no words , no images

tears came unexpectedly and left an echo of some seemingly unreachable place.

the art. the losing of the ego- so powerful, imbued with a deep strength- an apparently inexhaustable cord. 

the dull acceptance of loneliness is neither excruciating or pleasant.

the hope, the hope, that a larger happiness might exist.

the joys lasted today, though i am not sure why. i’d like to think it is because of something i did. maybe it was something i didn’t do.

the magic is so overwhelming, surfing on the feeling (not thinking it wont last).

the moment i disappear because i exist everywhere, with everyone. The atoms have consciousness, they have me and i they.

the moments of bliss, if they were to last, would contain the balance, beauty and service that i seek.

the pangs of loving because it is true, and yet nourishment is not returned.

the pitter- patter of hope reclaimed after a deep and profound loneliness.

the power of words spoken to me when i realized i mattered in the world.

the question today is how far i can go. just looking at myself i feel as if something else must begin

the rage and hatred surrounded me and stifled my breath. I lost my love because i couldn’t find it for them.

The sick feeling of having rumbled over a boundary. The impossibility of taking it back. Thoughts of a painful marriage return

the smile sparked a hope. like a muse it conducted the world through me. i became connected.

the tears came and left a glimmer of some hope that i hadn’t the courage to have before.

those touches were authentic, they stirred the deep longing. i feel full and charged.

Trying to find a way to make a picture of how I love myself, how I love you, and how I love this whole universe. What does it LOOK LIKE?

wanting a physical place to find that i can say, ‘there is where i am most myself’.

wanting another life to accomplish more. To love this planet even more fully. 

wanting to control the outcome, a fistful of ashes.

wanting to develop my talents, and abilities as a celebration of my life. feeling as if to not excel is vanity.

wanting to escape the silence, this shadow life of others- wanting to touch this world completely.

wanting to live at an extreme, intense focus- limiting the variables. balance is dangerous and complex.

watching without vision, just recording events. Is this digital? Have I lost capacity to think?

what do i feel when i feel something? 

where does my commitment lie? what is my motivation? why am i here?

Will i ever see the length of even one moment?

wondering how to sleep when there is just so much to learn, give, love, experience and become.

wondering if there will be a magical salve for some of the remorse I feel, from time to time.

© Jesse Pasca-2008-