My Heart as a Stock Market (A Sort of Poetry) V1

• a quiet amidst the tumult, a quiet deep as moss and as soft as a home’s hearth.

• a seasonal, weather induced feeling that there is no pleasure for me. The light is gone.

• accepting another human being completely, they accepting me. When the tears came, there were no questions

• afraid that the song I might sing will be heard only by myself

• after deep exchanges with others the overwhelming feeling of needing time to just think about what happened fills me.

• always feeling a pang of loneliness, however lonelier because i feel this way with someone else.

• ambiguity sets in, uncertainty of what i feel, but comfortable with the feeling.

• aware that I no longer have some of the opportunities of youth.

• aware that there are patches of clutter that live within me. Patient, yet I want to have a simpler life.

• Balancing knowing my singularity of perspective, and limitation of vision, with confidence and knowing that I can help make this a better world

• being asked by another to tell my story- everything set in perspective.

• being present with another person who is present. unafraid, challenged, accepted.

• conscious of what i need to do, and what to do if i choose to sabotage myself.

• conscious that i am the dreamer, not the dream- and that i dreamed myself here.

• consumed by the possibilities of the past, the future takes on a crooked shape.

• contentment, someone else is there with me.

• Dreaming of sleep and even a vacation. Wanting to find worlds inside and to see others. To fall in love with them.

• encountering genuine presence. inspiration in others’ stories, in their work.

• eternal existence.

• faith that there is a sense of strength and purpose in creation.

• Falling in love with the sound of a voice, the texture of enthusiasm, the intelligence, their love of this planet

• feeling anonymous, and a bit secure knowing that i exist in the world, and that i am connected to all. i do not have to be better than i am.

• feeling just okay- but having something good to look forward to.

• feeling my nerve endings fire rapidly... my quiet disturbed; the interference comes from within. panic.

• feeling overwhelmed, willing to sacrifice what i have worked for, just to feel freed from responsibility for a moment.

• feeling scared that i might not be able to accomplish what i want to accomplish-if so- will I have left enough of the blueprint? Is it legible?

• feeling the rage of billions, wanting to come home.

• filled with ennui and indecision today.

• finding a place where i can be, and be recognized.

• frustrated by my weakness, i couldn’t find that source of purity.

• fueling this existence with all the experiences, not turning away from that which is distasteful. trying to understand the pattern of suffering as well as joy.

• grasping at what it is that i feel, trying to determine who i am, not letting go, trying to find a way to describe myself here.

• having anxiety about having to confront people, memories, or events that were part of my past. unsure of what actually happened after all this time.

• how many worlds there must be! looking upwards after looking down for too long.

• i am appreciating it all, watching it unfold. not too much ‘I’- just watching

• i am moved by anger . i envision a better place. There is work to be done

• i am torn because i don’t know if what i want will hurt you.

• i avoided being a consumer today. that alone imbued me with more self confidence.

• i just am and i don’t know where i am at right now.

• i just want to be heard, i just want a voice in this world

• I struggled to find the right face to present to those unhappy faces. My exuberance is off-putting to those aching.

• i want a life, no borders anywhere

• I wonder who I learned from the most today. How can I become different? Is it a thought? An action to mimic, absorb or dream?

• I would live this way regardless.

• I, I, I.... i want a community, i want to be a part of something safe-not these wretched borders.

• It matters, it matters. no judgment. WE breathe. The dead (all). we are.

• It’s a question whether or not I can love myself everyday. For some that may not mean what it means for me. Trying to find the sweet love.

• It’s just too big. Where can I hide?

• Joyously filled with wonder and imagining possibilities

• Just nature as my lover. Breath, stillness, tumult, the song of skies, and soil and sun.

• Just resonating with the laughter, the joy, the play, the immersion in the shared transmission of love

• Lasting strength. how could it ever be another way?

• Letting the passion burn deeply, it demolished my world.

• Letting the passion burn deeply. it was accomplished.

• Letting touches fill me. As if I were brand new again

• Lonely, wanting to drown for an hour and then breath again for the first time.

• Lured by the sensuality’s- all of them.

• Motivated by the inheritance rather than the substance.

• Motivated by truth rather than icon.

• No control, just awareness and perception.

• No regrets everything for a reason.

• Not putting any relevance to whether or not there is a god or a purpose behind creation, just feeling my human weight and strength.

• Not turning away, having the strength to give, not only because it could have been me if things were different, but because they are a part of me.

• Overwhelmed by the group. the love so present.

• Overwhelmed with self doubt, feeling that no matter how strong i may be today, that tomorrow i might unravel like an unfinished house.

• Realizing i acted in a way that was a contradiction to what i feel inside so deeply.

• Selected sounds of myself haunt me. i have not been true.

• Self doubt, too afraid to lose control.

• Sitting in buildings, pushing papers, acquiring wealth, why? what are we doing?

• Stilled by touch- no words , no images.

• Tears came unexpectedly and left an echo of some seemingly unreachable place.

• The art. the losing of the ego- so powerful, imbued with a deep strength- an apparently inexhaustable cord.

• The dull acceptance of loneliness is neither excruciating or pleasant.

• The hope, the hope, that a larger happiness might exist.

• The joys lasted today, though i am not sure why. i’d like to think it is because of something i did. maybe it was something i didn’t do.

• The magic is so overwhelming, surfing on the feeling (not thinking it wont last).

• The moment i disappear because i exist everywhere, with everyone.

• The atoms have consciousness, they have me and i they.

• The moments of bliss, if they were to last, would contain the balance, beauty and service that i seek.

• The pangs of loving because it is true, and yet nourishment is not returned. the pitter- patter of hope reclaimed after a deep and profound loneliness.

• The power of words spoken to me when i realized i mattered in the world.

• The question today is how far i can go. just looking at myself i feel as if something else must begin

• The rage and hatred surrounded me and stifled my breath. I lost my love because i couldn’t find it for them.

• The sick feeling of having rumbled over a boundary.

• The impossibility of taking it back.

• Thoughts of a painful marriage return the smile sparked a hope. like a muse it conducted the world through me. i became connected.

• The tears came and left a glimmer of some hope that i hadn’t the courage to have before.

• Those touches were authentic, they stirred the deep longing. i feel full and charged.

• Trying to find a way to make a picture of how I love myself, how I love you, and how I love this whole universe. What does it LOOK LIKE?

• Wanting a physical place to find that i can say, ‘there is where i am most myself’.

• Wanting another life to accomplish more. To love this planet even more fully.

• Wanting to control the outcome, a fistful of ashes. wanting to develop my talents, and abilities as a celebration of my life. feeling as if to not excel is vanity.

• Wanting to escape the silence, this shadow life of others- wanting to touch this world completely.

• Wanting to live at an extreme, intense focus- limiting the variables. balance is dangerous and complex.

• Watching without vision, just recording events. Is this digital? Have I lost capacity to think? what do i feel when i feel something?

• Where does my commitment lie? what is my motivation? why am i here?

• Will i ever see the length of even one moment?

• wondering how to sleep when there is just so much to learn, give, love, experience and become.

• wondering if there will be a magical salve for some of the remorse I feel, from time to time.